June 5, 2012

Infertility, You Lost Again

There was a time when I used to think about infertility a lot. Every month, in fact. Each time the stick was negative, each time I was injected with horrible hormones that made me crazy, each time my friends would announce yet another pregnancy, I would remember. Time after time. Year after year.

One day we decided infertility would no longer define us and we turned our hearts to adoption. Quickly came Isabel and soon after, Noah. In the busy-ness of parenting, infertility became an old nightmare that no longer occupied my thoughts or my heart.

And yet this last year I have been reminded that no matter how long I’ve been a parent, no matter how many children I have, no matter how much I look, sound, and act like any other mom, when it comes to growing my family I am still just that: infertile. If I want another child I have two choices: expensive medical procedures that have no guarantee to work or a very complicated, intrusive, prolonged adoption process. And the frustrations of each choice again remind me:

You. Are. Infertile.

So, we chose to adopt again. We sent the paperwork and we opened ourselves to being scrutinized in ways no biological parent ever is. We have to prove we are good parents. We have to show we have the finances necessary. We have to convince that our marriage is strong in every way. We even have to submit to psychological evaluations to make sure we are of sound mind. Despite the fact that we already have two well-adjusted children at home. Despite the fact that the same agency that twice trusted us is now handling this adoption. And the complexity of this process insists:

You. Are. Infertile

We joyfully announced our decision to the world. And our motives were questioned. We were met with doubt. We were asked about our choice to adopt internationally rather than “take care of the children right here in our land.” We were asked about our discontent with having a family of four. We want three children, not twenty and we have saved, we have prayed, we have made this decision carefully. 


We were questioned even as we celebrated the baby-shower of a 16-year old who is keeping her baby and whose family, after the initial shock and disappointment, joyfully awaits the new life that will come to brighten their clan. And the lack of support for us, seasoned and equipped parents, whispers loudly:

You. Are. Infertile

But, infertility, you will not define me yet. You have forced me to take a different path than the one I anticipated. You have brought me down a journey I did not ask to take. But you have met a bigger foe. You have met the One who still works for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. You have met the One who took my inability to conceive and turned it into full arms and joy and laughter. You are battling against the One who called us to search and reach for a child we have not yet met,  but whose name is already written in our story. You will never win against the One whose plans for us are meant for hope and a future.  You have given ashes to the One who knows how to exchange them for beauty. 

You lost the battle, infertility, because I am the mother of three. 


**Linking up with Jen for SDG this week, and with Ann for Pages in Our Heritage of Faith** 

27 comments:

Nancy Franson said...

Oh, my friend! My heart cries and whispers, "Amen!" with almost every single sentence here. You're telling the story so much of us have lived/are living.

I was just talking Sunday night with a group of women about how often infertility rears its ugly head on the pages of Scripture--as though it could prevent the birth of the One who was going to crush the head of the serpent.

And each time, God demonstrated infertility was no match for Him, His power and goodness.

Haley said...

Sigh. This is great, Gaby. I'm in the throws of this now, even though we were able to get Jackson 2 years ago after a few IUIs. Now, in trying for Baby #2, I am constantly reminded that I'm infertile and feeling not good enough. Thank you for sharing this and your thoughts. It touched me today.

Deborah said...

Wonderful post! I love the empowerment you show here, choosing not to let your infertility define you. So many people choose to spend their time being depressed (myself included), when instead we could say "I am going to choose to see this situation differently).

I Live in an Antbed said...

AMEN!! This is so powerful, Gaby! His Plans for us are beyond our understanding so often. I need to be reminded of the fact that I don't often know what is best for me, and He is so very trustworthy. Thank you so much for linking up!

Debbie said...

I don't know whether to cheer or cry. I guess this is one of those moments when, if I were with you in person, I would be cheering with tears in my eyes. You are so dead on about being held to a scrutiny that no other parent is held to. You're also SO right about judgement just because you have chosen to adopt again. It amazes me that people would be anything but thrilled for you. You have listened to the call God put in your hearts for child # 3. How is that anything but a wonderful thing?

I will be rejoicing with you when you get to make the great announcement.

Jean Wise said...

I find so much hope in this raw and honest post. You have given me such a glimpse into your world. I thank you for that. May I have more compassion for those who struggle with this. You are victorious on so many levels. a great witness!

Duane Scott said...

I'm sure you're the best mom ever...

Love that last line. :)

Katrina said...

Gaby, this is a powerful, incredible post. I cannot wait to hear what God is going to be teaching you from this because there is NO DOUBT, you are a mother of three. Beautiful!

soulstops said...

Gaby, your hope and faith in Him is inspiring! Praying that God will continue to lead and guide you and your family. I hope you know how amazing you are. Really. {{HUGS}}

Jennifer said...

I just want you to know that I love you dearly! You are such a talented writer, and an amazing friend and sister in Christ. It pains me deeply to know that you have to struggle with this, but you inspire me and teach me by the way that you handle it. In the easy and the difficult moments, always know that I love you and that I'm here for you!

Gaby said...

I know you do! You show it to me every time we get together. Thank you for listening and walking this crazy time with me. I am blessed to have you.

Gaby said...

Thank you, Dolly. You are so encouraging and I covet those prayers of yours.

Gaby said...

Thank you, girl. God is good!

Gaby said...

Hey, Duane! Thank you for stopping by. I checked your space today and I was inspired (I really liked your take on "no comments")

Gaby said...

Thanks, Jean. I have definitely learned compassion through this whole process myself. God has a way to take pain and refine us through it, doesn't He!?

Gaby said...

Oh, Debbie, I wish I knew you in person! I will definitely shout the world our good news...when they come. This has been such a long and painstaking process!

Gaby said...

Thanks for stopping by, Ann. I linked up because if this is not part of my children's story of faith, what is?!

Gaby said...

Thanks, Deborah. You know what it feels like (although yeay! you don't have to think about this right now!). It's a hard thing to do not to let infertility swallow you but my God is bigger than petty little uterus(i?) that don't work right ;)

Gaby said...

Haley, praying for you. Infertility is NOT who you are. You are Haley. I'm glad this touched you. You are not alone, girl.

Gaby said...

Oh, Nancy, I know you know. I can't imagine what it was like for women back then when infertility was seen as you being cursed and yet, how many women in the lineage of Jesus struggled with this and God, time after time, was sovereign.

Duane Scott said...

Thanks for stopping by!

heather said...

AMEN.
Infertility shouldn't define us. You ARE the mother of three! Praying for your third all the time.

Kathleen Jaeger said...

Gaby. Thank you for this insightful post. I read it the first time several days ago and it is so powerful that it keeps coming back to me. I dealt with infertility before the first child but not again. The Lord didn't keep me on that path. But I wonder how many of us believe the whispered name of who we are not.

An interesting thing to note: when we got pregnant with our third, we received a lot of hassling about it. They were close pregnancies, but we still had people 'hassle', so to speak. I think it is outside the norm in our culture to want a third or more...I wonder if that is contributing to folks seemingly not being as supportive.

We were the first in our circle to have three and now many have three or more. They don't remember the 'hassle' that I felt!

Anyways...keep up the insightful, powerful writing.

Some of my favorite writing: But, infertility, you will not define me yet. You have forced me to take a different path than the one I anticipated. You have brought me down a journey I did not ask to take. But you have met a bigger foe. You have met the One who still works for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. ..

Janette Wright said...

Through tears this blessed my heart. My son and daughter-in-law are fighting infertility and it isn't going to win either...I don't know what means God will use, but they will have a family. I am so sorry for the resistance you have received..that even happens to us through our pregnancies..even the Christian world rebuked us for having more kids...so that part I understand...and no I don't understand the other, but I am walking it out as a grandmother to be one day...in God's way.
Blessings as your family grows!!!

jennifer said...

Gaby, I don't know how I missed this post, but it is amazing! My heart hurts that you feel the condemnation of others, especially when you are doing a beautiful thing that God commands after all. I know you both are wonderful parents and that God handpicked you for this little child whose arrival you are waiting.

I know that Satan must use the pain of infertility to try to weaken you, but hold firm to the truth you know! You are an inspiration, and I will keep you in my prayers.

Michelle Eichner said...

Gaby, you've done a fabulous job of winning the war and letting us all know how to do it! Thanks for shining the spotlight on a subject not often talked about. Bless you!! Love,
Michelle

Powerfulamethyst said...

Two words, "YOU WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" :)